My Hands Just Can't Hold On To Yours

Hopeless romantic

2011-05-13T00:51:00.000+08:00

I never knew that holding a torch for someone can be so miserable. Whenever i see your photos, i alway ask myself what is it that caught my attention. Each time the answer is always cheerfulness and cute. I think im a shallow person but when something as serious and sacred as love and relationship are concerned. Looks, boobs and figures are all thrown away. There are no such things as forever and that also apply to look and figures.

A conservative guy like me takes a serious approach to love. To me love is something so important but at the same time fragile that if possible i will not break it. Thats the reason why im single. To say it nicely im romantic person, to put it bluntly im a fool! Because i have a dogma that is if im in a relationship, i will make it my first and last. I like the idea of wedding my first love! I hope that you know too.

I love you with all my heart! You mean everything to me! What am i to you?

I catch a grenade for you

2011-05-02T01:28:00.002+08:00

How i wish life don't give us options. Making us choose from 2 options. Yes/No Right/Wrong When there is only one answer to it. I knew it and will stand by it. Not gonna be sway by anythings that may make me change my decision.

2 weeks! Thats the time when i will ask you out for a date. The time to prepare it. The time to prepare myself to ask you out. Love is not blind! Because i saw with my eyes and heart what a nice, lovely and sweet gal that you are. I won't back off now. Its now or never. The time should coincide with our first meeting. My first time mustering up a courage to ask a gal to be my partner. Hahahah.

I want it to be special. To be memorable. To leave a sweet and lasting impression on your mind. Even for one second i still want to believe that you will reciprocate my feeling for you. I never stop believing in that. I am a stubborn person when love is concern. I can hold a torch for someone so steadfastly and long without changing.

That to me is what love is about. Not changing in the face of adversity. Cuz gal i will catch a grenade for you! And you can count on me like 1,2,3 and i be there!

Shortened Distance

2011-04-28T01:34:00.001+08:00

Has our distance become shorter? I still remember the first time i fell for you. I haven't gotten up since then. I know people will chide me for holding a torch for you for like 11 months. But all that doesn't matter. What matter is knowing that you are happy and having a great time. Slowly but surely i know that love will blossom between us. If it haven't then the time hasn't come and i will gladly wait for it to come and for you to turn around and smile at me.

I am a guy that never admit defeat. So a rejection doesn't means anything. It just means that you aren't ready yet and wanna know me more. We just take things slowly and maybe my love for you will be reciprocate. Your smile is just like sunshine. A dosage of it never fail to light up my day. Your eyes are like a maze i lost myself while staring at it. Your hairstyle whatever you say about it. I still find it beautiful.

Whenever i make a wish i never fail to wish about you wishing that you will think about me like i think about you. And if we think of each other at the same time. That will be the happiest thing ever.

Ok enough about it, Onto my school life, Its been quite sucky and not that fantastic. Been group with the repeat students like myself and seniors. Not that they are bad. But specifically speaking i can't really start a conversation with them. Not chummy at all!! When doing projects we can discuss about things and so on. But after that when its over. I am the only one left out. Is it becuz that im a guy or is it becuz i never really try to talk to them and warm them to me?

The worst part is that i need to deferred another year for NS! That is a bummer. I was hoping of doing NS with all the people around my age. But nonetheless i will challenge it. To make sure i get enlisted with them whatever it take.

2011-01-08T00:32:00.002+08:00

You are the mirage that never should exist. So mesmerising that i just couldn't bear to destroy it. I know im foolish. But who aren't! There are no reason for falling in love with someone. The only reason shld be her personality.

But your Hot n Cold action make me feel lost and confused. Im at loss as to what i shld do. I just don't understand why you don't treat me the same as i treat you. I know that you can't expect someone to love you the same as you love her. But your actions are making me confused.

Is it all an illusion or do i really stand a chance to win your heart. I always think that by going slow you will notice me and remember me. But its like impossible. You never really take the initiative to talk to me. Its was always me that does it. And im tired of that. Cuz im afraid that you find it irritating but on the other hand i wna let you know i never did forget you.

Why is it so difficult to take the initiative to talk to me? I dont think i fit in the category that gals dislike. Or do you like baddies? I try my hardest to make you happy. Think of ways so that i can meet you. But all this were struck off by your indifference.

So is it true that gals would run away from guys that make them happy and run towards the guys that make them cry? Its just a sad truth. Im unsure whether you are in the former. But your action make it seem like so.

But i dont want to give up until you had say a flat No straight at my face.

Different Path

2010-11-23T00:06:00.002+08:00

While other ppl are thinking about destinations like China, UK and Australia. Im only thinking about one destination and that is your heart.

I don't really care about IAP where you get to go oversea for attachment. It doesn't really matter to me where i work cuz im not working in the science field anyway. I got my eyes set on a degree in Hospitality and Tourism Management in SMU. So the only place i wna go is your heart.

All the roads lead to a place. It just a matter of where you wna go. There was once i thought my future lie away from here.

Changes are imminent but i just hope that i won't turn into someone unrecognisable that even i dont even know myself. Somehow i feel that im currently standing in a fork road thinking about which road to take. Each road will lead to a seemingly different destination.

I hope that you are ok. Cheer up gal. Everything will be alright. Believe in ppl again.

No Promises

2010-10-26T22:57:00.003+08:00

There a things called affinity and fate. I was skeptical of it at first but then when you appeared, i suddenly began to believe in it. Cuz i didn't notice you at first but it was your two friends that caught my eyes. It could be that their dancing skills make me go whoa!

Then when during the last 2 rehearsals before the event. I mustered the courage to ask you to be my dance partner. I didn't realised i could be so brave to do that. And with the time spent with you dancing and the physical interaction during the dance which from a shy, barely touching arm clinging to finally clinging our arm together make me realised that i had fallen for you.

The cheerfulness and bubbly personality was something that could add color to my quiet and peaceful life. Thats why im relentlessly talking to you when you online and also thru smsing. Seems like that idea backfired cuz you are going further and further away from my sight. What shld i do before you will be back in my sight again?

Is being honest, quiet and goody-two shoes wrong? It bought nothing but trouble to me during my sec sch life. Being bullied everyday is nth new, being make used by others (Thats the only way i thot i can feel that i belong), eating alone during recess is everything that make me what im tdy. Maybe its my naivety, thinking that by being quiet and suspicious of others will prevent me from being hurt again.

And my luck with gals is always at the other end of the scale. You too seem more interested in talking with my friends than with me. Is it becuz of my shy nature that caused it or is it becuz you don't like talking to me. I tried my best and i got nothing. Im scared of rejection and also the fear of pouring my heart and soul at the wrong person. Becuz im still single from then till now becuz i want to find my first love who will also be my last.

You could say im stupid but then with marriage in mind when dating. I will be doing my utmost for this relationship. Giving my best and pouring all my heart and soul to maintain it. A relationship is all about giving and taking. it also is also about tolerating the others flaws.

For you i am willing to do it. Friends say that im too quiet and i don't deny that. But for you im willing to be vocal and outgoing. And maybe smile more to brighten up your day. So won't you give me a chance if i decide to confess to you. This is fate becuz you are not the type of gal i like (I gt a thing for tanned gal) but still i fall for you. Its your personality that attract me and your look is something that enhance the personality. For now, good luck for your O lvl.

Face Value

2010-10-13T01:37:00.002+08:00

Perfect and imperfect, two different words with two vastly different meanings. But why is it that we are are stubbornly holding on to the former instead of the latter? Becuz we are a proud animal. I don't deny that im not one of them. We always think that perfect is always the best word to describe ourselves. But then we failed to realised that even the best have also erred. So what make them think that they are perfect! If we are imperfect than what give us the right to expect a better showing from other people!

Beauty a word that can describe alot of things. For us, it is always about look, look and still look. But then we failed to see that if we look at a different perspective the so-called beauty also have an ugly side. A person that is beautiful from the inside is really the most beautiful. It something that even me still think otherwise. Becuz we see things at face value and failed to see that there are something more important than look.

Friends are those that will take the bus with you when your Ferrari broke down. True enough. Real friends will take the time and effort to help you when you are in trouble and lend you a shoulder or listening ear when you are down. Im fortunate to have this kind of friends. But me, im not a true friend. Im petty, impatient, unhelpful and wickedly make use of other people misery for my own entertainment. I can also be demanding and expect alot from them. What rights have i to be in their company when i myself is not even half as good as them.

Killing Xen

2010-08-30T23:30:00.002+08:00

What do i lived for? What is the purpose and meaning that keep me going forward? This questions keep popping in my mind. I really don't know the reason for it. Many times i asked myself why am i in this body? Is this world real or is it imaginary? Till now i can't answer it.

In a philosophical sense. This world can be real and imaginary. Its really how you see it. For me sometimes its real, other times it kind of imaginary. Its sometime too confusing for me to handle.

Im an indecisive person. I can't make up my mind on everything. Even whether matters of the heart. I sometime chided myself for that. Is it so hard to make up my mind on things? The answer is YES! Becuz i always think alot and think up different consequences that my decision may bring.

Now it had blown my chance to be with her. Times passed and we had not talked. Its like we had become strangers overnight. Its my fault as much as yours. My eagerness had destroyed it and that had led you to back off from it.

If i have a time machine, i will turn back time and told you face to face. My feelings for you.

Reality does not matter if i was hugged by you!

My Curve Ball

2010-08-30T00:27:00.002+08:00

I knew that when the spotlight shone on me, it will be me alone who has to do the catching up. Its one of the many curve balls that life throws at me. I just gotta do my best to catch it, learn from it and hopefully it will not happen again.

I have my fair share of misery. I wallowed in it before. I never learnt from it. Thats my biggest regret. If i had learnt from it. Thing may have changed for the better.

I remember how i once make used of my misery to turn it into a weapon to drive myself to study harder. But that had not happened now. Is it becuz the magic had worn off. The divine power that i once thought God bestowed upon me. To make me realise that i can achieve whatever i want if i work hard enough.

Can you turned around and told me that its just a dream. A nightmare that i will wake up if you kiss me on the cheek. But you were not there anymore. And i have to find a way to make myself wake up.

Pls don't go away. You were the one i been finding so long and hard. Your giving me the cold shoulder is like a shock reminder that things were never meant to be the way i wanted. Just give me one smile, one sweet and cheerful smile to let me reminisce while i wait at second base waiting for you to realise my importance in your heart.

I say Yes

2010-08-22T00:47:00.002+08:00

I know i have erred on numerous occasions. But why did that one mistake condemned me to a place that feels unfamiliar. I feel indignant and defiant by what had happened. Things still haven't sunk in yet. But it will be put in place now.

Every conversation, every email, every innocent question is like a reminder of my mistake. But it is my nature to conceal my feeling within me. Letting no one knows about it. I am akin to a porcupine that defend itself against the enemies.

Now i have gradually tell myself to accept the fact and just move on. It doesn't really matter. If someone can give me encouragement. It will really spur me on.

When i see you, i feel a sense of comfort and my heart sense a tinge of happiness. You are like the sun that never fails to brighten my day even if it was only for a split second.

Cheerfulness, extrovert and pretty face never fail to make my heart skip a beat. When i get to know you better,i realise i have fallen for you. I think im someone who fall in love easily so im kinda confused as to whether my feeling for you is love. I really hope it is. As i really find your cheerfulness mesmerizing and your eyes and smile just added on to the wow factor.

The Kiss and Xen

2010-08-21T00:11:00.004+08:00

Blighted by catastrophes, pulled back by misgivings, undone by foolishness and overcome by uncertainties. They are just like a broken record that keep playing over and over again in my life. Maybe its just the basis or foundation with which a life journey is build upon.

Gotta feeling that darkness will engulf and blinded me. Hope its not true. But if its true, i will want to take a long last look at you for your the one that i loved. Your the elusive mystery that i always wanna know better. But im always stop by my uncertainties. Its make me think of numerous scenarios that have me failing. Its really a big taboo for guys. To be scared of rejection. Don't be scared of rejection Ash! I will stay at second base waiting for you to look back at me.

If things go my way, you will be mine already. But blame it on my indecisiveness about whether i have feeling for you. Becuz when i realised i fallen for you. its just too late, we have both taken a different path. Regrets are for the weak, i dont regrets. I want to think of a way to talk to you again hoping that will help mined a new path for you and me to walk tgt.

Seems like its me that haven't put you down. I hoped against hope that a gal will walk by and completely take my breath away but it had not happened. Becuz my breath is taken away by you. My ship had anchored on you, preventing me from leaving.

I can't be in your past, but i can be with you in the present and we can work tgt for a blissful future.

You haven't left my heart

2010-07-04T01:36:00.003+08:00

I don't think i have bluff myself for this long. Nothing can correct the wrong to right. I just have to live with this lie that i woven for myself and for everyone. Each passing day brings to me added stress. I am not adept in making choices. I have always make the wrong choice. A taurus is someone who take their time when making choices and don't make a choice on an impulse. But me i have been very impulsive when making choices thus sometime i made choices that i tend to regret later.

But all those impulse choices never prepared me for this one that will top my list of regretted choice. And my actions to accept this choice had been half-hearted. Temptations always seem to prey on me. To them, i am an easy target. Cause i have a weak mind that succumb to them easily. Thus it had always stop me from making a full- hearted action.

Maybe that kinda explain why my life journey is very bumpy without any big achievement. Even something simple like love had elude me. I am someone who is proud, stubborn and willful. So this type of setbacks had hit me hard. I don't concede defeat easily but then i don't make any concrete action to justify my will to turn a defeat into a win. So what's the point of having a strong will to win when you don't take any action.

My setbacks in love had really hit me very hard. My optimism for love is now wavering and i am really unsure whether i should make known my feeling to a certain gal. After all that i tried to do and the reply she given. I am skeptical about it.

Despite all the claims that i made about liking pretty gal. i finally realised that what i am looking for in a gal is not really about looks but about her personality and spiritual. Its that infectious cheerfulness that will infect me. And also a gal that has a compassion for themselves as well as for others. She sees the good in people regardless of how bad they are. If a gal with fits that criteria i will most certainly go gaga over her. If she is tanned and had long luscious hair and also a pair of eyes that are beautiful. It will be an added bonus.

Love at first sight or love that grow over time? For me it will be the latter. I don't believe in love at first sight. Cause what you see is their physical appearance and not their inner self. I tend to believe in spending time with a gal so that i can get to know her better before i will know whether i like her. Maybe the feeling you get when you first met her is the most genuine. But attracted and falling in love is two different matters.

Mostly people will choose the former. Because they got the fluttering feeling and an intuition that tell them that its the one. Genie Zhuo is one such person that believe in it.

My setbacks in love hit me hard. And it is because i can't forget and put it down easily. If i know its her from that moment. I will devote myself to her and her alone. I can't forget her easily. So what should i do now? Ask her out or try to forget her?

On another note, i am going to save money to learn street jazz and house. Its just another step up in my process to be the same as her.

My eyes can't seek you

2010-06-21T01:44:00.002+08:00

I am not the kind of guy that will alway joke around with gals. I don't have alot of talents to show you. I tend to sweat alot and my hands always shake. I can't take a good picture but still love to take picture. I am not a confident person. My articulation and pronunciation is not too good and i tend to slur when i talk cause i speak very fast.

But when i met you, your cheerfulness make me open up faster to a gal than i had expected. From that moment i knew that it had gotta be you and no one else. Caused your the second person who had infected me with her cheerfulness. I may not have alot of talents but i am going to learn dancing and hope it will be a talent that will make me be on par with you. My hands may sweat and shake alot but i am looking at way to keep it at the minimum. Your cheerfulness make me want to be the confident person that a taurus is supposed to be. And i know that when i look you in the eyes when i talked i will be able to speak slowly and confidently. You unknowingly gave me confident.

I may not be able to say jokes to make you laugh. But i will do something to make you feel happy every week. So that you will always feel happy and blissful. If you only want the moon, i will give you the whole sky. I will always shower you with unconditional love.

I thought if i always talk to you then it will make it easier for me to make known my feeling for you. But you just feel it as a source of irritation and a nuisance. Somehow, this make me feel hurt. I told myself that i will not think of you. But my mind is practically swarmed with your face. I know that it is not infatuation but an unrequited love.

If only you let me in your life sooner. Then i will be able to say I Love You without much difficulty. But now i can't even talk to you even though i have the urge to do so. I don't want you to see me as an irritating person.

There is a love call letting go

2010-06-17T02:02:00.003+08:00

Maybe it just not meant to go the way i wanted. I thought i had a chance but then with every action you took, it just make me realised it was just wishful thinking on my part. You just don't treat me the same as i treat you. i always wait with bated breath for you to be online even to the extent of rehearsing what i should say to you. But your reply make me realised you are just not interested. Making me beat a hasty retreat. The farthest distance in the world is i am just right in front of you but you just ignored me.

If that the case then i won't disturbed you! Go on with your life. I should have known, i am meant to be alone in this world. Without any love. I have been rejected before so this is nothing. But why then did i feel a tinge of sadness? I should be immune to it already.

Your cheerfulness is something that is infectious, i just feel happy when i am with you. Your the second person to make me feel this way. I thought i had forgotten about this cheerfulness until you came. Its something that attracted me and it just complement my character which is quiet and soft-spoken.

As the time spent together get longer, i just couldn't help but fall deeper and deeper into the cliff. Waiting for you to pull me up and admit my presence in your heart. But it just not what i expected. Seem like i am not the person that you seek. Tinge of regret and sadness still linger because the stature you hold in my heart is very high but it won't stay long caused i know that if i love you i should let you go. You should be with the one you loved. Hope you will find him.

A battered soul

2010-05-28T22:46:00.002+08:00

Fucking low lying creature who don't fucking give a damn to the pain you inflicted on people who trusted you whole-heartedly. If there is a knife in front of me. I swear i will stabbed you in the heart and twist it a full round before pulling it out. The knife that is dripped with blood will be licked off clean by me. Tasting the metallic taste of your blood. Just give me a satisfaction that really know no boundary.

Don't think that you can get away from the hurt you inflicted on me. Cause i will gonna get my revenge. I swear that i will let you have a hellish time. You will beg me to kill you. But NO i will slowly tortured you, cutting you limb by limb finger by finger. The sound of knife cutting your bone and the scream coming out of you will be the ULTIMATE price for the pain and hurt you give me.

All of you might think im a sadistic. But then again you are not me. So dont fucking pass judgement about me. You are not me, you dont know the life i had gone. The hellish time that was given to me. The misplaced trust in people. The cold steely gaze that still send a shiver whenever i think about it.

If i can't get my revenge then Heaven will. Karma is something that i believe in. BEWARE cuz God is watching.

Responsibility

2010-05-26T00:27:00.002+08:00

Simply put, you believed that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy.

Wayne Dyer

We tend to shirk from our responsibility and blame it on other people. We think that by making a clean break from this matter then we will be alright. But truth is it will only make us worse. Because deep down, we know that its our fault. So why can't we take the first step of owning up and give ourselves a peace of mind knowing that we have done the right thing by owning up and taking responsibility of the matter. And thus we will be happy!

I absolutely abhor people who are in the wrong but they blame in on other people and shirk responsibility from it. Shirking from responsibility is akin to saying you are not at fault when you are clearly at fault.

Take me as an example, i failed 2 modules, cried my heart out but in the end. I still take responsibility for it. Not because i was obliged to. But because i think i never study my hardest. I never really put my heart and soul into it when im studying that why i failed.

I know i will eventually succeed if i take responsibility for what had gone wrong cause if you take responsibility you will take charge of your life and change.

Apathy a path most troddened

2010-05-19T23:47:00.007+08:00

Man's personality can't be changed within one day. The mentality to change the personality must be consistent and maintained. There a saying, Rome isn't built in one day. It is the same. So a personality can't be changed with a flick of the fingers. I can't possibly change in one day, one month or one year. I need many years to be able to change that.

People tend to say to me, eh don't be emo larh!/ talk lerh! In my mind i was like saying im trying. why can't you see that! They just accept things at face value.

I admit i tend to be quiet most of the time but i can be talkative too. I just need to see whether there a need for me to. Maybe its because i am a Taurus that why i tend to be quiet and keep to myself. And the time taken to adapt to a new surrounding has make me immune to talking to people. So i might as well just don't talk and talk when need to.

To me talking is like a chore and is taking a toil on me. Sometime even if i try to talk to somebody i don't get a reply. Its like you muster up the courage to open a door labeled danger and when you opened it you bump your head into a cold steel wall. It just left me hurt physically and mentally. So gradually i develop a thinking of letting other people talk to me before i will talk to them. I will not speak if no one speak to me. Why let myself get hurt again by the cold steely gaze and being ignored when i tried to start a conversation with someone.

I know you all are lucky to be well-received by people wherever you go. So you won't understand or feel the pains that were inflicted on me times and again. It just left me disoriented and disillusioned with the need to talk to somebody.

Environment can change a person. In my case it make me clammed up and become quiet. Because my mind want to protect me from any more harms that the environment will inflict upon me.

I admit it had make me become someone who have different masks. You may say im a hypocrite. I will hide my true feeling beneath a face that is smiling. I have learn that to protect yourself, you must never show your true feeling to anyone. You never know when they will use it against you.

But my fragile heart will somehow divulge a little about what im thinking. So it really pissed me off that all the efforts to maintain that mask is always undone by a fleeting moment of guilt and make my real feeling known to everyone. I really hate having a heart that manipulates me into doing things that make everyone happy but making me feel worse and worse. Why can't i have a heart of apathy so that i won't feel the pain when i do something that are condemned by everyone.

Its really suck being a good guy! Good guy are always the one having the worst lot. Their path are already decided to be playing second fiddle to the bad guy. Tv dramas always make the bad guy who reformed having the gal while the good guy who do everything for the gal end up having nothing. It really suck big time!

I know that whatever i do, my fragile heart of empathy will make sure it will benefit everyone.

All things come to naught for the one whose heart is full of empathy and is the most fragile

Tears are meant to fall

2010-05-09T20:40:00.010+08:00

The word crisis when written in chinese have two characters. One represents danger while the other represents opportunity. This is a quote by John F. Kennedy. It means that while crisis is a bad thing, it may also be an opportunity in disguise.

Many a time, we tend to see crisis as something bad. Confucius once say that gems can't be polished without friction nor man without trials. We all need to go through trials and tribulations before we become a better person. But somehow, we all think of adversity as something bad, something revolting which we don't welcome into our lives. But we all need it to change ourselves in one way or another.

If life is smooth sailing, then it wouldn't be life. Cause God always want us to be better than before. He want us to know what adversity is like so that we know we have flaws and will change it.

No one is flawless or infallible. Keep that in mind! But we can make the flaws less of a hindrance in our lives. Thats what adversity is meant to do. It helps us see what we fail to see. Which is the many flaws that are living in us. And let us think about what we can do to keep it at the minimum.

I have gone through alot of adversities and im growing, shining as the trials polished me again and again. I have my fair share of tantrums and tears when it happen. But then i find my focus and i remember that we all need to go through the bitterness of adversity to really taste the sweetness that come after it. And we gained alot more after that.

Sometimes in tragedy we find our life's purpose - the eye sheds a tear to find its focus.

Robert Brault

Changed for the better

2010-05-03T23:15:00.002+08:00

I have changed. That is something that i noticed about myself. Being more vocal and cheerful. One year can change alot of things. And it had changed my personality. Maybe it still can't change the introvert in me which will always be with me regardless of what happen and also the nervous wreck that i always am. But what had changed is that i opened myself when im around my classmates and friends. Even though the shyness is still intact it has not interfered with the fun that is going on.

Being a taurus, im someone who does not like changes cause that means i need to adapt to a whole new environment again. That is why i tend to be withdrawn and keep to myself. As i need time to adapt and constantly give myself the morale boosting words of encouragement so that i won't be lost in this world. But now that i have finally adapt, i can finally be more vocal and open. Unlike last year where i generally keep to myself. Cause i find it hard to engage in a conversation with someone.

I finally know that my friends will always be there for me regardless of what happened. Just like my family, they will always support me and encourage me. That is what i have learn from the past one year.

But even if everything about me changed, one thing will not change. That is my heart. It will always have love, empathy and selflessness. And it will always beat faster when a hot gal walk past. Haha. Thats for sure. It is a living radar for identifying hot gal!

The Past, the future

2010-04-21T23:23:00.003+08:00

Fighting the storm in my heart. I don't wanna continue the mistake of falling in love now. I need to meet her which is gonna be hard and change myself continuously so that i will be the one to tug the string in her heart when i meet her. No matter how long it take, i will gonna reach the front of the line to be the ideal guy for her. Maybe it is something stupid, foolish and crazy. But for me it is something i want to do. She inadvertently change me and make me realize the power of dream. If i fall in love now, it just means that the willpower in me is not greater than the temptation in me.

爱我好吗？就算是一秒也好。想在你身边说的一句话。你是我的独家快乐！

Teeing up for the best shot at Goal!

2010-04-20T21:15:00.002+08:00

With every hour i procrastinate, a dent is form on my wildest dream! Losing momentum or shld i say as the novelty wears off, im finding myself gradually back to the old me. I have to grit my teeth and fulfill my dream no matter what. Its hold everything that i want to shield from the incoming storm.

I can sense that the storm is filled with everything imaginable that will put a stop to my dream and goal. Life is really fraughted with disasters that are catastrophic. But i want to be one that can turn things around and put me in an advantage position.

Am i too quiet for my own good? Am i too cool and aloof to be around with? Am i too kind and good-natured that make me a target to be bully? Is it because of this that no one really show me respect and give a damn to what im feeling right now? Is it wrong of me to put everyone before me so that even my feeling and emotion are compromised? Am i too gullible beyond expectation?

Life sucks FML

2010-04-16T22:16:00.004+08:00

I once heard Taiwanese singer Show Lo say in his show and was amazed and even in awe of this quote. 命运靠左手，机会靠右手，努力靠双手 which literally translated as fate makes use of your left hand, chance makes use of your right hand, hard work make use of both hands. It really encourage me and make me realise something that i never realise before. Being born as intelligent does not necessary means that you will ace exams, while those that are not that intellect will not fail their exams. Hard work coupled with the intelligent that they are born with will lead them to scale a far more greater heights. Hard work for those that are not that intellect can lead them to be on par with those that are intelligent. All that we need is hard work!

I really pity myself for scouring the internet to find inspiring quotes that motivates me to work hard. Can't i even work hard using my willpower? I dunno that im so useless. I revised for the exam but it still can't guarantee me a pass! Woot! What a feat Ashley! Need to repeat 2 modules for this year and on top of that you can't even take 2 modules for this semester. 3rd year will be damn busy and need more time to graduate than my classmate. FML

I practically want to shout at the top of my voice so that those living in heaven can hear. They practically are cruel and unfair to me. If they want to do that to me then i will practically take them head-on. And let them know that what they had done to me is wrong.

This semester need to repeat cell bio. Need to see useless lecturer in action, late, late, late..... that the only thing she capable of. Detestable and disgusting!

I have no love lost for those that always trick people when ask abt their thoughts abt exams. It really something dark and sinister. I hope i won't be trick again. No! I won't trust it again! Never ever.

The Devil that make a Sadist

2010-04-06T13:51:00.002+08:00

A devil lurks around in me causing distress and anger. It alway find faults with everyone and i always yield to what the devil wants me to do. Scary isn't it. Time and again it give rise to a desire to hate them. The devil is jealousy.

It always me envying the success of other ppl while im still at the pit. I am always jealous of them and angry that they do practically nothing and can be at the spot that i always want but can never reach no matter how hard i try.

It like im a sadistic that practically want everyone to fall while im the only one standing and gloating at their failure. Am i a devil in disguise? Im disgusted at this envious thought of mine. This thought always disappear when someone lend me a helping hand, i practically melt away by this gesture and i become the person i always were.

Maybe it because i absolutely adore being reveled in the limelight. It like everyone acknowledging me and my success. It a pleasure thats know no boundary. But now i dunno whether it a pleasure or a torture. I don't want to be a person that eyes something that i don't have now. I want to work for it so that the pleasure will throughly be genuine.

The one week that i was away from Singapore, i thought about alot of things and have alot of fun. I gained deeper insight into things that i once was stumped at. All this philosophical thoughts alway make me a better person than im now. It what i alway believe in.

I put a full stop to this philosophical thought for now, while i go and do a mental calculation about all the sweets that i bring back and how i share with you all. Im still the same that for sure except for the addition of a hardened determination and resolve to succeed.

If you are watching this post, yes you! An insult can trigger alot of emotions and feeling. It how you look at it. The worst thing you can do is being angry cuz then you are walking straight into the trap that the person laid out. Never mind what the person say for you know you have improved from when we first met.

What you think means more than anything else in your life. More than what you earn, more than where you live, more than your social position, and more than what anyone else may think about you.

George Matthew Adams

Lusting for that perfect ending

2010-03-27T00:11:00.004+08:00

A longing that hurts me badly. Its like you are not there to see it. My heart and pulse were alway racing to meet your smell. Seems like they are used to having you around. Always denying me the honored of being there for you. Can't seem to comprehend why you always want to keep me at a distance. Waiting anxiously for you to be online yet dunno what to say to you when your are online. Is this the departing of winter and the arriving of spring? Longing for your touch yet evading your hands at the last minute. You were always a step ahead of me. Never giving me the chance show off my ability. Demeaning me but at the same time concerned about me. I juz couldn't comprehend your action. You always make me wna protect you from everything. Your eyes are always so beautiful making me unable to stare back at the gaze. Your smell always announce your arrival. It sweet smelling and lingered for long period. I juz want to watch you and care for you. Giving you my shoulder when you wna cry and lending a listening ear when you are unhappy. Words just can't describe you.

Let me be your best friend till you find someone who really know how to appreciate and care for you. Thats be the calling for me to leave as i will watch over you from afar. Never letting you taste the bitterness of being hurt and sad.

The ball is in my court

2010-03-25T11:37:00.003+08:00

Many a time i had faltered. But each time i persevered and did a good job. But now i dunno whether i will be able to pull through this one. My confidence is not high now and i had a fear in my heart. A fear that i will fail again.

But still i make this decision to continue and persevere on. So i will not be cowed by anything. Im starting to know what went wrong with me. Needed to right the wrong and trust myself and having faith in myself.

Life dealt me a cruel blow so that i will really mature and start working hard. It like im in comfort zone for too long to really feel the sweat of being hardworking and the sweetness after that.

I will really work hard so that i won't regret my decision of continuing. No i won't regret it cuz im gg to do extremely well. So that i will know my decision is correct. I will not give up on myself again. Even if the whole world forsake me i will still trust myself and have faith in myself cuz it is the thing that determine how i will work hard and give me the strength to continue.

Trust is the faith in yourself

2010-03-24T11:58:00.003+08:00

Is results really that important? As hot tears well up in my eyes and dripped down my cheeks as the truth and realization of the results that i had gotten. I still don't have the answer. The process of your revision for your modules is like secondary to the result. When i knew that i need to repeat 2 modules. It like a shock jolt on my mind and emotion. I had give my utmost best for this 2 modules as this two modules was also the one that i failed in common test. Organic Chemistry and Cell Biology.

Maybe organic chemistry was not revised that well so failing it is no surprise but cell biology. I revise for it tediously and really go through it. I can't comprehend why i can fail it.

Yesterday was the day, the result was released but i was at chalet. Some of my classmates had check their result and i knew that they had done pretty well. But for me it was contemplating whether i had fail organic chemistry. Even though i knew the answer i was hoping a miracle will happen. But it seem like everyone had forsaken me or is it me that had given up on myself in the first place?

Trust and having faith in yourself is very important as it determine the manner in which you will pursuit your goal. Will you be confident that you will achieve your goal or downplaying your chance of really achieving your goal. Maybe it was because right from the start when i start my first semester i don't really trust myself and even don't have the faith that i will do well. So it inadvertently have an impact on me as i slackened off and never really give my 100% for the course. When i never do well for a test it further cemented my belief that i can never do well for it.

As i pondered over a major decision that will concerned my future. My heart really can't bear to go through it again cuz it has a demoralizing effect on me and i feared that the impact it had on me is really negative and will cause a phobia or a fear in me. Maybe it time to find the courage in me to continue on this journey cuz i really don't wna be a quitter in life!

Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear

Pat Riley

Evil is The Name for Me

2010-03-01T21:21:00.003+08:00

Im so fucked up with myself for being so good natured, fucking goody-two shoes and kind. it just make me an easy target for people to bully and manipulate. I detest, despise and scorn them for doing that. Yea the word is scorn! I can't believe i let them have their way over me. They break my heart into millions pieces over and over again. Sometime they say things that are just plain evil and im not kidding abt it.

People just make use of me and im so fucking sick of it. Can't they just do things the right way without having to rely on underhand means. But maybe it my fault for being so kind and easy to prey on. So im gg to transform myself to become the ultimate evil, cold hearted, cold-blooded and also to pay back what they have done to me harder than they expect. They won't even know what hit them.

If people backstab me, i will literally backstab them with a Knife! If they manipulate me again, i will so going to shout into their ears that im not gna be at their mercy again. The new evil me is something that i will gna make full use of. Im gg to pay all of them back in cold blood.

Cause they think they are so good. "Wow! They must be kidding cause they just make me puke and it seem that they are nothing when they can't manipulate people and bully people.

One and Only: Parents

2010-02-27T21:51:00.002+08:00

Parents are always someone we look up to. They are our role models and someone we loved, respected and feared at the same time. No one can replaced that place in my/your heart.

We alway have this thoughts which is to emulate them and be better than them so that they will be proud of you. I always wna do something that go along with what they want and it also suit me at the same time. So it always saddened me when im not performing to their level of expectation. Somehow they always place high hopes and expectation on me becuz of what a fortune teller say that im a smart and intellligent person. But it just that im too lazy.

Well you can't have the best of both world. Another fortune teller that i see say that im 大才小用 which literally means waste of talent. Or someone who is talented but is used in the wrong way or put in a wrong position.

Haha. Maybe if i really put in the effort and hard work then this name will really fit me. Cause for now im just not fit to be called this.

Back to what i was saying. I really wna make them be proud of me. It like a wish of mine that i hope i can fulfill.

One thing i thank my parents is that when i say i want to be a free thinker they never pressure me into being a Buddhist. I thank them for respecting my decision as im someone who don't like to be tied down by a religion. Because if im tied down by a religion it will be taxing on me and i dont like the feeling of being tied down.

Unpredictable Nature of Life

2010-02-10T23:24:00.002+08:00

Forrest Gump's mother once said, Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what kind of chocolate you will get.

I totally like this quote. Cuz it means tht life is unpredictable, you never know what will happen next. My life is like tht, it so unpredictable. One year im with nothing, the next i have friends tht i can rely and count on. Everything tht someone need to go through at the age of 20 or maybe 30. Im gg through tht at the afe of 13!

Im someone who had a phobia, a fear tht can't be erased permanently. It like a scar in my brain tht is still intact. It caused me to act in a way tht i never wanted. Im someone who dont wna have the limelight shine one me, all the eyes looking at me. But somehow something change it. Even though my actions is quite showy and make me seems like i wna have the limelight. My soul is still squirming at it and juz wna let it all finish.

Sometime i feel like i have split personality. I can be happy, loud and talkative for one moment and then the next, i will be quiet, withdrawn and have a sad sorrow aura around me. No one and i mean not a single soul can fathom or predict my actual feeling and emotion.

Maybe it becuz i tend to think alot and mostly in philosophical way. I will sometime say wistfully to myself abt this kind of stuff. It like im easily affected by the smallest of things tht ppl make and can think for a long time abt it. Maybe tht make me seem kinda mature.

Withering for them

2010-02-03T23:49:00.002+08:00

The meeting with my mentor turn out just fine. Phew! What a relief. Tht the only silver lining for today. After tht ordeal i guess it sorta make me realised tht Science is meant to use your heart and soul to study. It like a plant tht need to be watered everyday.

I thot the best in people and literally give in to their every whine. But what do i get in return? More whining and complaining. Sometime it sorta get on my nerve. But i grit my teeth and swallow the anger tht piling up inside me like some bitter medicine tht is difficult to swallow.

Maybe i shld take back my words abt them. It like misjudgment on my part. People do change and when you get along with them more often their tails and true self will appear. It like i shld not have taken my time to know them better. Foolish me!!

I always change myself to adapt to their characteristics. It like i dont care abt my own feeling. Why is it tht i always torture myself for them.

The next project abt food, i want to do it alone and return to the beginning whr i first love food and have the passion for it. I dunno why this few months my feeling for it is dwindling. I alr know what i wna do and the product. It is the first dessert tht i make. And i want to make use of it to find my lost love for food and the culinary art.

Life journey is fraughted with trials and tribulations, it kinda make us stronger mentally and physically.

Ashley Tan

The Will to Fight Till the End

2010-01-28T22:28:00.004+08:00

The process of how you slog and work so hard are always ignore when the result you obtain is not tht good. Juz when i find myself feeling right at home with my classmates and beginning to like this course something have to happen. An unknown suspense tht making me feels scare, nervous and jumpy. I dunno whether i can take whatever tht is gg to be thrown to me. It like a repeat of last semester except tht there is an added element tht make it more scary. My mentor send me email and call me tdy to tell me to arrange a date with him next week. He gg to talk to my parents abt my common test result. He will be accompanied by the course manager. It on 3 Feb, Wednesday, 10am.

Tht day is suppose to be a day tht will be memorable to everyone in Food Science. Cuz it will be our product showcase. But this grave talk will put a dampener on it. My parents and sister had asked me to be mentally prepared tht they will ask me to repeat this course next yr as first year or drop this course. My parents and sister told me tht maybe i shld give it up and apply for a course in SHATEC. But im reluctant to do tht, i know it is my passion and dream to be a chef at a hotel or restaurant. But i want to finish this course before deciding on it.

Maybe it the competitive nature and never-give-up attitude in me tht make me want to finish this course and do well for it. Whatever challenges tht come my way i will take it on and triumph it. I will tell my mentor and the course manager tht if i do well for this coming exam then they will let me stay on. If not i will drop this course and go SHATEC. My parents are very supportive of whatever decision i make.

I will work hard for it. It a MUST! Never had i been so serious abt smth since my O lvl exam. I beginning to like this challenge. A fight tht will determine the outcome of my next school year. How exciting is that. Even though im feeling scared inside, i will still stay optimistic. Look on the bright side, i will take this as a driving force to do well for this coming exam.

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.

Thomas Jefferson

Flaws are also a Perfection

2010-01-24T23:02:00.003+08:00

Don't you find that people are a unique and unusual creature. We tend to enlarge our flaws and dwell on it. But we have forgotten that we also have our own strengths. This strengths are often overlook by us in our pursuit of perfecting our flaws.

Im not perfect and often dwell on those flaws tht make me imperfect. But if i learned to embrace my flaws and make it part of my strengths and enlarge the strengths that i originally have then won't i be a much more powerful person!

Sometime it juz how we perceived things and at what perspective do we view it. Becuz the different perspective that we view things can channel a feeling and emotion that can be positive or negative.

So some ppl are born a natural optimistic while some are born pessimistic. This is becuz of the way the perceived things and the way they look at it. Regardless of all this, my only purpose is to be the guardian angel for the person that took my breath away.

I really want to be the yellow light that pours over everyone that i love

Conor Oberst

Confession to God and you

2010-01-24T01:33:00.002+08:00

I have a confession to make. All my hard works are all a front tht is used to trick ppl into believing tht im a studious person. Maybe to them tht is hardworking. But to me it is all but a front to make myself out to be a studious nerd. Can't believe im confessing abt it. Up till now, i have always been one to succumb to temptations. I can't resist tht and time can be evidence of tht. No matter how hard i try to deny it. It is clearly etched in my heart and mind.

If i really worked hard then it will be natural tht i will get good grades but then now it doesn't seem tht way. My common test result is the worst grades tht i had ever seen. I can't believe either. But im not surprised maybe you can even say expected of it. So can say i had adjust my feeling alr. Maybe you will say what abt the big cry you had last semester! It is just a feeling if defiance. Cuz i wna defy all the odds stack against me as i havent done all the necessary work to get good grades.

David Bly once say "Striving for success without working hard is like trying to harvest where you haven't planted." Im like doing tht. What he say is true. Becuz you reap what you sow. I haven't done any serious revising so how in the hell do i expect myself to get good grades.

I always blame my parents, my siblings, my friends, luck, even God. But i never blame myself for the things that had happened to me. I always thought tht God wna pushed me to a corner with only an option for me to choose. But what don't realised is that God had given me alot of options, it just how i see it. Maybe it because i was blinded by my anger that i can't see tht He had arranged for me everything. it just whether i wanna take tht option and step, then i will surely be a success story that everyone will know abt.

Am i too late to realise that God is always there for me. Giving me unconditional love. What an ungrateful person im to ignore His love and option for me. He and my parents and siblings always have to endure my endless complaints of If i had done this... or tht.... I now firmly know what i should have done. To take the option God had given me and never regret and complain abt it again.

Because i know tht in life we can't have what we want so why not settle for smth tht can be a substitute for it. Is it too hard for me? Science something tht is always too profound for me to understand. Can i excel at it? If i work hard maybe i can. Maybe God is trying to mould me into somone who is capable to do well in something he hated. I hoped i won't disappoint Him.

At this instant tht i gained enlightenment. You won't see me turning back again. I will work hard at it. The show tht i put up in the past will be a signal at what i can do if i really put my heart and soul into it. Maybe this year i can't do tht well. But next year i will certainly do to the best of my ability.

I have target a GPA of 3.9 for my year 2!!!! You all tht read my blog will be the witness and i promise tht i will get tht.

A quote from a person tht i admired the most that is related to science.

Helen Keller once say " Science may have found the cure for most evil but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human being." Which basically means the indifference of us human can't be cured using science. To me it has to be cured using oure heart. If we use our heart to feel our surrounding then maybe the world will be a better place to be in. I think i have go off topic but thot maybe let you all know since it concern science too. Haha.

Hard work is painful when life is devoid of purpose. But when you live for something greater than yourself and the gratification of your own ego, then hard work becomes a labor of love.

Steve Pavlina

Flaws of the Century

2010-01-22T23:58:00.003+08:00

Im not tht good at keep a happy face when im angry, sad or moody. People who know me well knew tht i will always show my emotion on my face. Cuz i dont feel the need to hide it. Im a straightforward person which can be seen with how i make my feelings known to ppl ard me. I dont talk when im angry, sad and moody. Cuz i dont wna hurt ppl with harsh words when it is not them tht are in the wrong.

Im not a great or perfect person at all. With so many flaws tht can be written in a piece of paper. Sometime i really detest myself for being such a useless person. Can you believe tht such a person exist and breathe the same air as you all! I cnt believe either, but tht me what can i do abt it. Stupid, slow, not proactive, cnt talk well to a gal to save his life, fucking introvert, lazy, procrastinator, not vocal even though he had smth to say, talentless, cnt even make up his mind abt what he wna do in life, too soft hearted, gullible, weak, short and thin! This flaws cnt even describe how unperfect im.

My only regret is tht i cnt live up to my parents' expectation. Im such a un decisive personm even though i really wna switch/quit this course. A part of me wna stay on and persevere while the other part wna live the dream tht i always dreamt abt. You see how fucking bad im. Maybe you all need to think twice before making friends with me. I cnt guarantee tht i will not make you one as well.

Cnt believe tht kind of person right? Dont be surprise cuz it the REAL me. Maybe this will help you to see clearly who i really am. Then maybe you can break the ties with me.

Im so gna love loneliness cuz i have so many books tht i havent finish reading yet. Maybe i can spend all my time reading book. Reading a book on a quiet day and sipping a cup of coffee is way better than going out and jostling with the crowds at Orchard or Bugis!

Diving for eternal suffering

2010-01-18T22:15:00.004+08:00

We all have our own set of principles. Whatever it might be, it can indirectly be the trigger tht make them do things tht maybe good or bad. Sometime people fight becuz they felt tht the set of principles is being threatened and will fight to protect it. To all of us, our principles are something tht are valued above all. It inevitably make us who we are in terms of personality and empathy.

My principles are always about putting my friends and family before me. Their interests come before mine. Maybe it is hard to believe. But for them i will sacrifice the money that i saved for many weeks so tht i can go out with them to watch movies or have dinner. I will also care for people tht are less fortunate than me as their plight often bring tears to my eyes. So i will look for way to help them. The smallest gesture like giving up my seats to someone needy is something tht i do and hope many people will do as well. I also dont believe in making use of people to get what i want and sacrifice them to achieve what i want. Becuz i think that this is something brutal and cruel. Making use of people feeling for me to my own advantage is something tht i will not do and never will.

Im what God make me out to be. However lousy im, i will not complain cuz i believe tht each has its own forte. Maybe mine is different from yours. Being branded parasitic, lazy, irresponsible and most of all not doing anything when project or group work is concern. I beg to differ, as my principles state im not one to make use of people so why would i make use of them, letting them do more than me in term of workload. I may be clumsy and slow but im definitely not one to shirk from my responsibility. People always ask me "Is it better to do with him or her." It seems like they are hinting and indicating tht they are doing the most work while im slacking and doing slip-shod work. Im controlling myself not to spew out all the profanities tht i heard over the years at them. Maybe it becuz they are more intelligent than me so tht make them seem like their capability are way above me.

If tht how they viewed me then they can see me in tht light for the rest of their lives. I dont care and wont explain. I will just use my action to make you realise it. But if it still not working then i will let you see me in tht light for the rest of your boring live.

We all tend to view people with microscopic eyes that will find the smallest of fault within them. But what we forget is that we also have flaws and faults.

Ashley Tan

Fleeting memories of last year

2010-01-09T15:07:00.012+08:00

2009 was a great year for me. It holds many unforgettable memories tht i wont frgt forever. I met a group of friends who hold dear in my heart. They made me realised the what it like to have friends and be cared for. They are very important to me and i hope im important to them as well. We call our clique, ZGC but it looks like im the one tht does the most of it. Haha! My clique was there for me when im down. They encouraged me and make me have the will to stand up again. They helped me to regain my confidence and always tell me not to be emo and be happy. They advised me to talk more and smile more. They are angry when i did not opened up and talked more to them. So for their sake and mine as well, i gradually opened up and talked more. Recently i have also become more cheerful and less emo with regards to things.

Thanks You all very much and i loved you all. My heart will always have a special place for you.

I started my poly life in NYP Food Science. At there, i met my class who did not really stand out alot. Maybe it was me tht was asking too much. But over the months of being with them. I gradually find tht they are awesome people. Although other may say otherwise, i still feel tht they are special. They are kind people who are very driven in their studies. This is what i like the most abt them. This means tht there wont be any incessant talking from my class when lectures are going on. They are also Science people who like their Science alot or shld i say to a very large extent. They all wanna be scientist, researcher, chemist or even nutritionist. Woot! What ambitious people they are. I feel kinda proud to be ard them and have them as my classmates.

Being with them has it disadvantages though. They sometimes get on my nerve with their constant criticism and mockery of my weight, height and voice. It not like i want tht either. Some of them are like some snob, doesnt wna talk to me!! Oh well, if tht the case then i see no reason to make friend with you. There are also people who just doesnt care abt people feeling and always tread on raw nerve. If people dont scold them it doesnt mean they scare of you or what it just tht we dont want and dont care abt you. We juz wna let you be bashed, assaulted or fucking ostracised by other people when you started your working life with tht attitude still intact. It was time like this tht i juz wished to quit this course and be an apprentice chef.

There are still some people tht are kind and caring and will teach me when im very weak in a module or dunno how to do a question. They have to put up with my lateness which is quite serious and i thanks them for them. They are good people and i loved them for tht.

My course is kinda hard and i have not scored very well for all my tests. It something tht had put a blemish on 2009. I have worked hard but still it is not enough and i find myself lagging behind all my classmates. But still im not giving up cuz of a quote tht i come across from my friend blog. What the quote say really make me wake up.

Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience. Quote by Victoria Holt. This quote kinda make me wake up and stop dwelling on my one botched mistake. And start working hard. Even though this course is not a course i like, i will still work hard to be the best in this course. I want to be proud of myself on what i have achieved in this course.

Overall 2009 has been an awesome year with my friends in poly (Joel, Haris, YX and Alvin and the gals in the class). My friends in ZGC (Neecia, YR, YL, JQ, Lewis, Daniel, Jimmy, JJ and JH) You all are awesome people and have affected my 2009. It had let it be an awesome year and i will smile when i think abt it again. Thanks You all and you all ROCK!

The songs that i wna present to you are My Love by Westlife and You Found Me by The Fray.

Love you all!!

Life Prophecy

2010-01-07T22:06:00.002+08:00

In life we always have things tht we want to do and like to do. But since we gt want and like there is gna be dont want and dislike. In life we cnt do things as we wish and want cuz there is gna be limitation tht limit whr we will go. Sometime this inevitably caused us to determine whr we wll gna be. A lot of time ppl will think it is fated and wont do anything to change it.

But to me fate can be changed! One shldnt bowed down to fate easily. Becuz even though im in NYP Food Science. I will still work hard to be the best chef in the world. I admit tht at times im slacking ard during my lecture, but tht doesnt equal to me not wrking hard. I juz isnt much of a science person so at times it hard for me to concentrate in lecture.

1994 Oscar nomination for best picture, Forrest Gump, Gump's mother once say "Life is like a box of chocolate. You wouldnt know what you gg to taste." I tasted sadness and bitterness when i didnt do well for my common test, tasted anger when i failed one module for the recent common test when i have revised for tht.

So you shld see tht im trying my hardest to be the science person tht you all are. But tht doesnt means tht im giving up my dream of becoming a world class chef. All of us only lived once, so do what you like so tht you wont have any regrets when you die. If i dont dare to go against what God has installed for me when He ask me to study food science and be a scientist. I will definitely regret it. I know tht a soft person like me isnt suited for the competitive world of culinary. But if i dont even give myself a chance, who will give me the chance?

On to something tht is close to us. What will you do if a pregnant woman enter a mrt? This Monday, i witnessed an incident tht i wont frgt. I enter the mrt at yck and ride it to khatib. When i tried to move to the rear when i noticed a pregnant women standing there. She is holding onto the handrail on a crowded mrt and i looked ard me. Nobody sitting on the seat want to give up their seat! Even ppl sitting on the priority seat. At tht instance, my thought is, is she ok for she may have take this train from raffles. I cnt believe ppl are still tht inconsiderate after all the education. I noticed a young gal sitting on the priority seat with her brother and mother. I was like why cnt the mother give up the seat so tht this will inadvertently be instilled into her children to be considerate and give up the seat to someone who need it more than you.

Life will be more meaningful and happy when you help those in need. Even the smallest gesture like giving up a seat will bring warmth to you when tht person thank you and tht person will be touched by such a gesture.

2010 MY YEAR

2010-01-01T00:30:00.002+08:00

Everytime during the start of a year, ppl will have a set of new year resolution which they want to achieve but in the end they nvr achieve. It kinda sad tht they had a set of resolution but nvr achieve tht. They always wait till it is the start of a year then they will have a set of resolution they wna achieve. But in the end the set of resolution is chucked into the back of their mind and they will forget tht they had actually set it at all!!

WTF! Set a resolution then frgt all abt it. Might as well dont waste your time to think of what to write for your resolution. It juz fucking waste your time and effort. If you really mean it you will not need to show it off to ppl abt it on fb or whatsoever. It juz a matter of the thought. Resolution is a way of setting goals for yourself to achieve. It not to let ppl see and they will think oh, wow he so good , so ambitious. Wish him luck and scribble all sort of encouragement for him on his wall. If you dont really know the meaning of new year resolution then you wont realise the important of it.

Fucked up with this ppl, screw them upside down till they cnt sit straight. They misled ppl abt what resolution is abt and tht is a sinful thing to do. Dont talk abt this ppl.

2010 is gna be my year!! I can feel it in my blood and mind. Be it love or school. I gna top it all. New year resolution is my set of goals to achieve in this year.

Charmed everyone with my charisma

Dont get angry when ppl fucking say tht i cnt talk to save my life (Soft or incomprehensible tht your problem)

Have the most fun in this year( Meaning gna drink,club and socialise my way to 2011)

Gain some fucking cm and kg.( Damn irritating to hear ppl say oh you are too short, oh you are so skinny. WTF! It not like i want this!)

Have the most fun on my birthday( Not gna be so emo like last yr ZGC you heard tht! We have the most fun on my birthday!!)

Do my part for Earth( Mother Earth is sick and i shld do smth abt it)

Find the right gal to fall in love(She must be able to make me give up on loving the tenant living in my heart for 5 yrs. I not tht despo, i'll wait patiently)

Be good in frisbee so tht i can compete as part of NYPU(My promise with him)

Be mellow and not so hot tempered(Tht kinda hard.)

2010 gna be my year whether you agree anot. The start of a year signify the ending of a bad 2009 with so many disasters to happen to Earth! My only wish for God to listen if he can hear me. I wish tht global warming will gradually lose it speed so tht nth will happen to Earth. It only a simple wish but it concern the whole world. I hope my wish will come true.

Stuck in the past

2009-12-28T23:20:00.002+08:00

I will always rmbr tht time in pri sch. Tht memory is etched deeply in my brain and i will nvr frgt it. It was in my 6.2 pe lesson, we were playing a baseball match. Tht incident during tht game will 4ever be the sweetest memory tht i had ever had. It was her turn to hit the ball, as the ball was put using a ball holder and not the usual baseball game whr a person throw the ball and she had to hit it. As i was saying, she was attempting to hit the ball using the bat when i kneel down in front of her to catch the ball when she hit it. I was doing tht to make fun of her as it means her strength is weak and the ball wont fly far. When one of my classmates teased me and say are you kneeling down to propose to her? It invited laughters from all my classmates. I was very embarrassed and so was she.

But even though i was embarrassed i was still a little happy. Maybe it because i was constantly bickering and teasing her tht my feeling for her increased gradually. I was secretly hoping tht she had some feeling for me too. Maybe till now this memory is still etched deeply inside me is becuz she still hold a special place inside my heart, a small little place tht had her as my tenant. Maybe after all this years, my feeling for her still hasnt decreased but still remain the same. To me she is still the loud spoken gal who laugh loudly and always fight with me and would teased me constantly. The gal who sit beside me during class and assembly. The gal who is the same height as me in pri sch. The gal who like Westlife which is oso my fave band and has their album and put it inside her bag.

Regardless of whatever tht happen all this while. I know deep down in my heart my love for her has never change. To other ppl she may be loud and maybe not tht pretty to them. But in my eyes she is cute, pretty and one who talks abt what come into her mind. Tht what i like abt her. Even though she rejected me once i will still wait for the time she will accept me. Maybe till the day i find another gal tht make me feel the same way as i feel abt her. And maybe after i know she is really happy with the one she loved. Then i will stop having this kind of feeling for her. But the place she hold in my heart will still be the same. Cuz i cnt bear to moved her out of my heart as it is akin to severing my one last tie with her.

Embracing the bad

2009-12-19T22:02:00.002+08:00

One mistake tht ruin everything. One mistake to put yourself in a realm of stereotypical. Ever go through this before and you know tht it is a terrible feeling. Ppl always say time will solve everything but tht doesnt applied to this. In this world, taking one wrong step will cause ppl to see you in a different light and eyesight. There eyesight are those cold, steely gaze tht can send shiver down your spine. Makin you an outcast in your own class or school. It akin to living in a secular world with no one to talk to.

There's a saying which say when you dont have something. you will really treasure that thing when you really has it. Tht why i really treasured my friendship with everybody. Tolerate and cared for them. Cuz they rescued me from the realm of loneliness and paint my dull world with colors. So i really treasured them. I always like and treasured our time tgt and the outings we had. Maybe at time im not tht open or sporting but im gradually changing. Maybe for you all tht change is not enough but wait patiently cause i will not disappoint you all anymore with my lackluster behaviour.

If there is ever someone who is willing to accept your flaws, doesn't mind your past mistakes and willing to befriend you. Then accept tht person with open hands. Cuz tht person is the dearest friend to you.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Dr Seuss

My way of surviving

2009-12-18T22:06:00.004+08:00

All of us have flaws. I dont deny tht im not a perfect person. Man of few words, pessimistic, procrastinator and my articulation when talking are not good and on top of tht i speak fast and soft.

But if my own cliques can tolerate it. I dont see why i cnt tolerate other ppl flaws. Tdy i was deep in thought abt things in a philosophical way. The behaviour of human beings are a fascinating thing. The way we talk, do and behave can inadvertently cause ppl to be disgusted or happy. I always pride myself in seeing the good in ppl. But there are always some ppl who does not give a fucking damn to to my toleration. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile. Seriously they shld do a reflection abt their behaviour. Before imposing their ideas on me. They nvr care abt other ppl feeling. And ppl has to fucking tolerate their attitude.

Who the fuck do they think they are? You want me to tolerate your stupid attitude over and over again. C'mon ppl toleration has a limit. If you want ppl to treat you nicely, you have to treat them nicely first.

But tht is quite a difficult task for them to do, cuz they value their own interests above others. They wont hesitate to sacrifice other ppl in order to achieve their goal. Maybe you all will say tht it is natural or tht is the rule to survive in this merciless world whr helping other ppl is akin to giving yourself a death sentence. But if tht the way to survive in life, then i will wish tht i has never set foot in this world. I will not follow this stupid rule to survive. I have my own set of rules to survive and i will abide by tht.

No more mind games with ppl, playing with ppl feelings, making use of ppl trust in me to gain smth, sacrificing other ppl to achieve my goal. Tht not what my life rules are abt. I always trust ppl entirely with my whole heart. I help them without asking for anything in return. Cuz i believe firmly tht true friendship with a person does not involve having smth in return for my help. And true friendship is always based firmly on trust. If you trust your friend you wont believe what other ppl say abt them. Even if in the end they betray my trust and hurt me. I wont regret what i had done. Cuz at least i once trust tht person with all my heart and tht all tht matter.

You all may say tht im gullible or trusted ppl easily. Tht not true cuz i dont always trust what they say to me. I juz believe in them, believe tht my trust in them wont be lost so easily.

Words have immeasurable power so think before you hurl words at him

Ashley Tan

Day of Reckoning

2009-12-17T00:00:00.004+08:00

Common test finally over. Truth to be told, im a little scared of what results i may get. To me all the ppr seem so difficult. I cnt really think abt how i will fared. Will it be a case of deja vu like last sem. I hope not. I crossed my fingers and prayed hard to the God to let me pass it all.

After common test. We got this Christmas Lunch at a familiar place, our physic tutorial room. The food for tht event is Pizza Hut. We were all eating it like there no tmr. Haha. Simply delicious and borrowing a phrase from KFC, Its Finger Licking Good! Haha. After this lunch we got a gift exchange. I was hoping tht i may get Mr TSK present becuz i wna ask or literally brainwashing him to buy me an itouch. Haha. But anw i got a CUTE present courtesy of Jun Poh. The handphone holder is simply cute and i love it! It beat getting tht dustbing from Oktavia. Lol!

After lunch we went shopping in Orchard. I finally know tht Dr. Marten is in Orchard Central and not Orchard Ion! We went to Far East Plaza to shop and i saw a blazer tht i really like. But it cost 89 bucks which was too exp. So gna consider abt it. Then we went to Takashimaya. I was gg there to buy a book which my sis asked me to buy for her. Christmas is really in the air. I can smell and feel it. But the only thing tht left is snow which is literally not gg to happen anytime soon.

Anw i have a wishlist of the things i want to buy so if you all want to buy for me go ahead i not gg to stop you. Haha. Juz kidding. I wna buy this things using my own money cuz i can get the satisfaction out of it.
The things are
Dr. Marten boots
Burberry wallet
2 shirts
1 long sleeved shirt
1 vest
1 blazer
1 tie
necklace
studded bracelet
Bboy cap
new t shirts
Nikon s1000pj
Itouch
Adidas sneaker
skinny jeans

Ray-Ban aviator sunglasses

This is juz for now maybe will have more added to the list. Hopefully i can get them all. Im not materialistic. The clothings are all for cny and the wallet is becuz my current one is gg to break apart soon. The electronic equipments are things which i crave for. Becuz the world is changing and human beings are also changing. So this electronic equipment are smth tht i want to have. The camera is becuz im currently into photography while itouch is smth tht will make boredom go away when you are alone.

Before i frgt i juz saw my F&N teacher, Mrs Hawa in NYP food science lab. Cnt believe i meet her there. Talk to her abit and she say my hair getting longer. Haha. The good boy is turning bad or is it cooler.

Eyes that see the heart

2009-12-09T22:35:00.005+08:00

Whenever a gal walk past me. I will inevitably check her out. To see whether she make the grade and is pretty. Maybe it a guy genes that can't be explained. I dont wanna be a shallow person who like a gal becuz of her look. I want to like her becuz of her kindness, intelligent and the way she talk and carry herself.

Shallow is always something that men can never get rid of. To us being pretty is above everything else in our criteria for looking for our other half. But then is it really tht important? What is important is whether she is kind. A gal who is kind but ugly and a gal who dont have any empathy but is pretty. Who will you choose? I think almost all the guys will go for the former. Becuz guys can never resist being with a pretty gal. Im one of them. But im finding myself slowly trying to break away from that mould. I dont like that shallow me, it causing me to see things in a way that is always on appeareance and not smth that is beneath that.

I wanna be a guy who has a pair of eyes tht see the heart. It may help me to judge things in an unbiased ways. People will say that it can't really be done. But if i never try then i will never know. Beauty tht is skin deep is not important in the long run if she doesn;t has a heart to be with me in time of difficulty.

This is something i have realised and gained enlightenment on after being with my group of friends. They make me realised that and i won't forget that so easily. An above average gal is ok if she has a heart of gold.

Beauty can be tempting but it will wear off if it only skin deep
Ashley Tan

A fear called Acrophobia

2009-11-18T18:27:00.003+08:00

I dont noe how i came to have this phobia. But it become my phobia when im in sec sch. When in high places with nth for support, i will feel very tense, nervous and scare. I will feel breathless and my palm will be sweaty. It was a phobia tht i wished tht it wont surfaced forever. But then it surfaced ytd. It make me feel kinda weak and useless in front of them. Im angry at tht me and at the same time at them for making it surface again. I was stoned for a few minutes after tht incident and tht fear nvr disappear for a long time. Im still having tht fear now.

This somehow caused me to feel so fucked up and moody tdy. I dont wna tok to ppl and juz wished tht they left me alone to collect on my thoughts and feeling. Looking back at tht incident still send a shiver down my spine. Everyone has a fear tht they want to keep hidden and nvr let it surface forever and im no exception. Wna cry out but the tears juz wont flow out. Is God saying i shld be braver than this? I know im not the bravest but im trying my hardest to be the best for you guys. Cuz you all show me the way i shld go and make me realise tht i still have friends in this world.

My moodiness caused by this juz make me seem like a fucking retard tht dont wna talk to ppl. And the organic chemistry pract and all the pract for this course is making me seem like some stupid dumb ass who knew nuts abt science and causing ppl to think im juz plain lazy and not wanting to help them. If i had known my poly life would suck to the max i would have juz applied for a course at SHATEC whr i will learn culinary skills. Even though i cnt be the one tht detect the poison in food. I can still bring joy to ppl who eat my food.

One of my friend say this to me and even though i rebutted her. In my heart i know tht what she said is right. She said tht if you dont like this course/modules whatever you do you wont succeed. She is right in telling me this. But i wna do smth abt my fucking course. Get a good GPA. Is Helen Keller not right in saying this? When one door closed another door opened but often we look so long and so regretfully at the closed door tht we failed to see the door tht had opened for us. Is she not right in saying this. Cuz i lose the chance to study at TP and NP but then there is no door for me to go through. Juz one small crack in a wall for me to look through and nvr be able to get near it.

Im feeling disillusioned with life and everything here. Nth seem to wrk for me. The only positive thing i gain from this course is knowing a bunch of guy friends which to me is a lucky things. This 5 guys in my class are superb and to me we are like SS501! The gals in my class is oso fantastic but then to me gals are like a poison for me causing me a lot of trouble becuz i dont seem to connect with them unlike all my friends. Im making the hardest to connect with gals. Hope it will succeed.

Toleration is the best gift and worst gift from God

Ashley Tan

Losing

2009-10-07T23:41:00.003+08:00

Tdy i wake up to a painful body and feet. Yea from all the strenous activity i done at the beach yesterday. Have a class outing to Sentosa even though it is suppose to be a class outing only 12 came. Im quite sad by that number cuz i wna bond with all of them. Maybe have a talk or what. We went to Siloso beach which has volleyball court and basketball court. It was quite fun but there was no sun so it quite a dampener cuz i was hoping to have a slightly brown body. Mishaps do happen at the beach and i have one. I was stabbed by rocks or some other things while trying to catch a frisbee. My left feet juz step right onto the rocks and the pain juz shot into my brain. After i get on shore my classmates help me to cleanse the wound which is three cuts. Thank Jo-an Toh and Yehxiang and Haris and Joel. Even though it juz hurt a little i had a hard time trying to walk even after having plasters on it. Cuz the wound hasn't dried up yet and every step i take is sending signals for me to stop walking.

On to something happy after my freak accident. Give Irine her birthday present from Joel, Haris, Yehxiang and me. She say she liked it which is good. Hope she will take it to sch so we can see whether it is compatible for her.

Tdy i have to go to Tanjong Pagar even though my feet hurt alot with each step taken. Cuz i have a job interview as merchandiser for APB. My sis intro me the job as she wrk at the job agency. i was late for ard 10mins cuz i walk quite slow becuz of that injury. I have to thank my dad for helping me to cleanse my wound and cut off the hanging skin or else my wound will not dried up that fast. Hope it will heal in time for my job on Monday.

Have to say sorry to Daniel cuz i can't make it for his birthday celebration as a result of that freak accident. I really wna make him have a taste of his own medicine by stripping him. That what our clique does. We alwats zao geng. Or is it always me? The smallest in term of build so they always strip me by force. Not that im complaining since i have the muscle. Hope he have fun and the clique have fun too. Really regretted not making it. Next outing i will confirm make it and don't ask me to zao geng if want then ask Daniel to do it. I can help too. Lol. Haha. Happy Birthday Daniel! Wish you all the best for your coming semester. Stay handsome as always =D

The Message

2009-10-04T20:37:00.002+08:00

Yesterday i went to Joel church event for Mid-Autumn Festival. Though im a free thinker, i still hold God in high regards. The message that God had for us that day is selfishness. I was deep in thought by what He say. Selfishness is human nature but i feel obliged to say that we all try to be as impartial as possible even though it is always unfair. I always try to put my friends and family in front of me as possible and ensure that they get the best. In the process that i neglected myself. Even though the message is true. I still think that all human are kind and good-natured at heart. Even though sometimes we all tend to give ourselves more slack than others but however unfair it may seem we all are not selfish by nature.

Talking about this. I suddenly think of a movie The Message. Which juz screened in Singapore. I really have the urge to watch that movie. The movie is made to commemorate China 60 years of Independence. The movie has 李冰冰, 周讯, 苏有朋 and 黄晓明 And im kinda interested in this kind of suspense movie. It juz make my adrenalin gg at full speed. The Surrogate is also kinda good movie with a good plot. who wna watch this two movie with me? Im always free if im not wrking. C'mon and watch with me. It will be fun to have me as company and you as a company too.

Tough decision

2009-10-01T18:04:00.002+08:00

I been thinking about whether to pierce my ear. Cuz my bro has alr done it and he thinking of doing a second one. I been wanting to pierce it since the beginning of this year. But it only during my school holiday that i really gt the urge to do it. With this no one can really tell us apart. That what twins are meant to be. Two of a kind.Maybe alot of ppl will be surprise by my action cuz to them im someone that is quiet, shy, law-abiding and would not do anything that is way of the course. But to me it is one step to finally be who i want and not care abt what other ppl think abt.

While wrking with my friends i really enjoy myself as i can spew profanities as i like it. It kinda let me be who i want. I really like some of the things they say. That is kinda funny and i really enjoy their company. While in their company it really hardened my belief to be who i want without thinking of what other think abt me. That why i want to pierce my ear. And my parents are ok with it so im gg to do it without any worries. I know that many ppl will cringe at me after they saw what i have done. But it only an ear piercing. I never do anything that is against the law. I juz hope that they will accept the new me. I juz wna have a new look as it signify and symbolise my new outlook on the world, my new approach to life and my new action on my study and personality.

Hopefully it will help me alot in term of personality. I juz wna change the way i talk and turn on the charm that is hidden beneath me for so many years. I juz kinda hate the way people always look at me. Cuz they all see me as the good guy who will never do bad. I juz hate it. So i want to let them see me a the rebellious guy whom ppl will think twice before riling me. Cuz alot of those hooligans always like to knock into me purposely. I want them to think twice before they dare to do it again. I can be nasty when you push me to my limits. I juz want you all to look at me in a different light once in awhile.

My F1 Adventure!

2009-10-01T16:15:00.002+08:00

It is no walk in the park to be part of F1 GP Singapore. We have to be on our toes and be alert at all times. My job require me to do cleanup which is not at all glamourous but still it is a job. Wearing the uniform kinda make me like some stupid guy that can't look a girl straight into the eyes. Cuz even if we smile at the gals they will act as though we are some lunatics and juz look away. What a difference a job make to us. But alas the electrifying atmosphere and the noise make it all worthwhile. I can hear the engines roaring and the tires screeching without buying the ticket. My heart was beating very fast with every noise the car make. But sadly i can't really enjoy the whole race cuz i was moving up and down mopping the floor.

I kinda have lotsa funs with my friends while working. I can really not care about what other ppl think and juz say whatever that i want. Profanities and all. But still im sad cuz i couldn't really go up and ask the three gals selling ice-cream for their email add and hp no. Cuz im scared they reject me. My friends dared me to put my hands around the race queen shoulders when posing for photo. Out of being polite i ask her for her permission and guess what. I was rejected as she say: "No. Cannot!" I was kinda deflated by it and had to smile as the cameraman is taking the photo. But in my heart i was saying, WTF! Not giving me a chance. My friends were all taking this chance to make fun of me. Saying the same thing that race queen was saying. My luck with gals this few days were not that good as you can see. So gna make use of this last few weeks to get to know a few gals. Don't belittle me, I still gt a few tricks up on my sleeve. Oh yea before i frgt. I bought a few lanyard and a cap from one F1 store while im there. It cost me 150 bucks but it kinda worth it cuz you cnt really buy it anywhere.

I still have one job interview on 5 oct before sch start. Hope it will be a smooth one. The job is merchandiser for APB and i juz need to move the beer bottles and replace the old bottles with new one. And the don't say im too skinny. Im sick and tired of hearing it over and over again. With the money frm this job i can finally buy what i want. My salary frm F1 was used to to top up my bank acc to 300 bucks and thus left with alittle money for me to spend. So if i can get this job. I will have more money to spend on clothes and hair and accessories.

I seriously think i need a few more shirts to to accentuate my mature and charming side. It is also very smart but you don't lost your casualness. I also need a newsboy cap and flexfit cap from flash and splash. A new white or blue skinny will be great plus a new Adidas or Converse shoes cuz my current shoes is breaking apart after a few months of wearing it. I seriously think i shld change my glasses and buy a contact lense. Top all that with a Ray-Ban sunglasses and it gna cost me a bomb. And i still need to buy a leather shoes for my communication skills. Oh man! Why doesn't money fall from heaven? After reading this you must be thinking im a materialistic person. Im not that type of person. I use my own hard-earned money to buy this things. So i will think deep and hard before i decide to buy this things. Alot of things that i wear on me is things that i buy using my own hard earned money. Regardless of how i spend i will still ensure that my bank acc is always at 300 bucks if it not. I will scrimp and save to put money into the bank and top it to 300. To me this money are for rainy days and i will not take it out unnecessarily.

Nth is right in my life!

2009-08-20T18:31:00.000+08:00

Today, i study for several hours in the hope tad i cn at least pass my exam. Is it wishful thinking on my part? For it seems like an impossible task when i have failed three modules. The chances is very slim and deep down in my heart i also know that it is mission impossible. I am just making a hopeless struggle to achieve my goal. But this did not deterred me from trying to do the impossible. I am also feeling sick and dizzy but i don't want to stop my revising, its my only way to save my own skin. I always hated the me that always waited till the last minutes before i start my revision. I always tried to overcome it but it is no use. I did not feel the motivation that will make me feel the urge to revise. Only when exam is nearing, then i will be revising feverishly and forgoing my sleep in the process. It always happen again and again and is a cycle that i cannot gwt out of. This caused me to flunk a lot of my tests most recently the three science tests. I feel like i am at the bottom of my life and feel that i am the most useless person in the world. I also cried very bitterly over my failed modules, i have never cried so bitterly over a failed subject before. But this time it caused me so much upset when the truth hit me. I just could not believe it, even though i have not revised thoroughly for it, i should not have failed it. It is no secret that i do not like science and i choose this as a last resort. But i have studied for it and should have been given my dues. Maybe the reason for my crying is because i feel a little unfair and sad. This mixed feelings kinda caused me to have a emotional breakdown. Somehow, i feel that i don't have the energy to continue on this lap anymore. I feel like giving up on this hopeless situation. But i know that my parents will not allow me to give up on this course. So for my parents' sake, i will grit my teeth and finish this course. When things did not go my way, i always ask myself a lot of questions and just want to be alone. I just don't want unnecessary attention toward me and i want to be in my world to have my peace and tranquil that i treasured a lot. Maybe this will make people think that i am acting cool but it is just my not like that. I just want to be alone and collect my thought and readjusting my emotion so that i will not show my true emotion in front of people. Maybe it just a guy nature to put a strong front in front of gals. This time is also the same, i just say in a joking tone that i have 3F for my common test like it no big deal. I don't want people to see me in a different light. A week after i knew my common test result i cried very bitterly. I just want to cried it all out and let myself wallow in misery for one last time before i pull myself together and put up a good fight. But now it just like a hopeless fight to death. Even though i say its hopeless i still want to do it because even though i fail i know that i had given my all and i will not have any regret.

I feel dizzy and have a little fever in such a critical moment. I just crossed my fingers and hope that it won't affect my revision and i will not fainted during exam. I don't want something like this to cause my weeks of revision to be for nothing. Maybe the whole day of studying just cause my brain to be over tired and also caused me to feel dizzy so that i will stop studying and have a little rest. Ask you all something. What the different from studying very hard and study smart? I heard someone saying it on the mrt. I think her explanation is wrong and hearing it caused my blood to boil and i feel very angry about it. She say study smart is you did not study and just play but you still can do pretty well for your exam while studying hard is just plain studying but both got the same result. It just make me feel that it kinda unfair that someone that play hard can have the same or higher marks than those that have revise very hard for it. It like so unfair and just make me feel kinda pissed off by what she said. So what your thought on this? Do tell me about it.

Thanks!

Am i human

2009-08-15T23:31:00.000+08:00

Tdy i feel so super awake. I go to Changi Airport T3 to do some revision at nite then in e wee morning ard 6am i take e first bus to go back to Sembawang. My ever reliable study buddy Zulfadli was with me to revise tgt. We were always studying tgt when exam is nearing, so tdy was no exception. But at e T3 we found out tad it was a little noisy than expected as it was Friday night so maybe gt so many ppl wna go and explore T3. I drink one red bull before gg to T3 but found it a little hard to concentrate with all the noise there. I oso had to do a little research for my POE project. It really getting on my nerve as it juz disrupted my revision plan. But nonetheless as the grp leader i have to do a good project and get a good grade for it with my group members. We do some revision before we stop for a break and have a power nap. After tad we do some revision and stop it for e nite. As it was alr 5am. We have breakfast before we go to e bus stop to wait for e bus to come. Im a little disappointed as i did nt make much progress. But i will nt be deterred by it. I will give it my all for all my modules. Ace it and i will be happy cuz i have done well for smth i did nt have a liking for.

We finally made it back to Sembawang in ard 7 plus and had another red bull before we went home. He say he gg to do some revision before slp while i slp for ard 5o mins on e sofa before bathing and getting ready to meet my grp members for POE project discussion. I did nt feel very well but still push myself to go and meet them at Woodland library. Maybe it was drinking too much water and red bull. My stomach feel a little queasy and i think i gt a little stomach flu. It was making me feel terrible and i really had no appetite to eat lunch. But still i push myself to eat it. I tell myself to eat as it will be my first lunch in 2 days. Maybe it the effect of the lunch, it make me felt a little sleepy after awhile. I found myself falling aslp while looking for info on my lappy. But overall, im an alert person cuz after tad so called nap. I felt a little awake and refreshed. You wont believe it but we stayed in the library until 8 plus. Tad is like so super long. After finishing e discussion for the POE project. I felt like a deflated balloon cuz i felt like all my energy was finally used up and the effect of red bull was finally wearing off.

I had one word to describe my day. TIRED! Cuz i have not really had a good sleep. Maybe today i will sleep until 12pm bah. Haha. I wna feel lazy in e morning!

Tiredd

2009-08-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

Tdy i feel so tired. I slp at 3am and wake up at ard 6am. My combined slp time for e past 2 days is even less than 8hrs! Thus i had no appetite to eat when it time to eat lunch. I juz look at my friends eating while my tiredness was slowly eating away my appetite. Then after tad we go to lecture room to revise for our maths test as there still a gd one hr before e test. While they were revising, i was listening to my mp3 and slp. But in truth my eyes is closed but i really cnt slp. Maybe it e coffee tad i was drinking during lunch tad is taking effect. I wna slp siiia but cnt slp. When walking to the mrt st, i was like some drunkard. I walk left and right but nt center. I almost knocked into a pillar. I told myself tad i need to stay awake so i go to Cheers and buy red bull. But after drinking it. I still feel e same. It nt helping at all! When walking to e mrt st i saw some of my classmates but i have no strength to walk up to them or talk to them. Even if they tok to me i might nt have e strength to open my mouth to tok. I like some walking zombie cuz it like my human shell tad walking nt me. I feel so tired and the best part is tmr is my french test and i have nt even revise yet and now i feel so tired to even touch a book.

Now to something serious. For those of you tad have nt read the news. Taiwan is being hit by it biggest disaster ever. Tornado Morakot had destroyed many part of Taiwan. Notably Kaohsiung Country. I feel for e ppl dere even though im nt a Taiwanese. I feel tad Singapore is e best place ever when it come down to natural disaster as it is a disaster free country. When i was hear e news. My first thought was how cn i help them. I wna fly dere and be part of the volunteer grp tad are helping them. My heart feel for them, eyes brimming with tears. It is the second time in two years after the Szechuan earthquake tad i really cried for e ppl tad are hit by disaster. I think it is very sarcastic tad juz a few days ago, Taiwan was experiencing no rainfall. Then now tis disaster came, maybe im someone tad is very emotional with tis type of things. I really feel like crying when i saw their plight. I hope tad more and more ppl will lend a hand and help them to restore to their original state. I wna raise money for them, but how cn i raise it? Cn someone give me some advice? Please, it will really benefit them and you all will be doing a good deed at e same time.

My Inner Thoughts

2009-08-12T23:54:00.000+08:00

Give you all some encouragement for our semester exam. Research had shown tad humans have e same number of neurons which is basically millions and millions of it. So dont doubt urself abt ur ability to do well for ur exam. Cuz if they cn do it so cn you! Cuz they have been working very hard to achieve tad results. If you want to be like them, follow in their footsteps and revise harder than before. Be like me. Now driven with a fiery passion to do well for my semester exam and ace all my modules. You might doubt my ability to be able to achieve it in such a short time. But i will prove to everyone tad hard work really pay off!

Tdy i was feeling so irritated during phy chem revision lecture becuz of some "genius" who like to keep asking qns and some fucking ppl who juz cnt keep their mouth shut while listening to lecture. They made me lose my concentration while listening to e lecture. Fucking asshole want to talk go outside and talk larh. Ppl want to listen and improve if you dont want. Especially me cuz i gt F for it. After the lecture, our class gt a field trip to visit Yakult Singapore. I nvr noe it was so near to my home. It was quite interesting to get to noe more abt how Yakult was made. We get to noe more abt Yakult and it various product in a so called lecture room. The tour guide then say smth tad almost made me choke on e free yakult i was drinking cuz he say im a Malay. I dunno whether to laugh or wad cuz it was nt e first time someone mistaken me for a Malay. I dunno why they all came to a conclusion tad im a malay. Maybe it was my tanned complexion or is it becuz of my handsome face. Haha. Lol!

There was smth on my mind while i was walking home. I dunno when it happened but i had nvr looked a gal straight into e eyes while talking to them. One of my friend pointed t out to me while we were on e mrt. This got me thinking it deeply. Before i came to a conclusion. Maybe it was becuz i feel uncomfortable talking to gals so when talking to them i tend to look somewhere else to relieve the uncomfortableness. To tell you all the truth. Im really not a smooth talker when ard gals. I tend to fidget a little when talking to them or does not talk to them at all even when im alone. This may sound weird but it really true. Maybe it is the doing of the hormones in me tad tend to react in a strange way when im ard gals. So dont think of me as weird cuz i really wna talk to them naturally without glitches but it always failed. I trying to do smth abt it but lately im feeling so holed up tad i really wna have some Me time to have a chance to think abt all e problems i have and how i shld solve it. So give me some time and i will really be someone totally different.

SADD!!!

2009-08-04T00:04:00.000+08:00

Today i feel so sad. I dunno when i get this feeling. But e fear of failing my modules juz take a toll on me. I dunno whether i cn do extremely well to be able to pass it. Failing one is bad enough but failing three. It make me feel very sad and angry. In front of my classmates, i act like it is no big deal and in a nonchalant way. But deep down in my heart, i was feeling very scared and my heart was actually crying. My bio teacher told me to start doing revision as i told her i only revise for one day. But how could i be able to do that. I know tad im not a science person and asking me to like science and even tis course is hard work. But im trying my hardest. People juz tend to look at e result but nt e process. They saw me getting Fs and juz deduced tad im nt revising hard enough. But im working my HARDEST! I even do night studying for my bio,inorg chem and phychem. Im doing everything i cn to do well. But it juz nt working. Juz now while in e bathroom, i dunno wad happen to me. But i gt tis feeling of helplessness and fear. It caused me to cry so hard and i was like saying everything tad was inside my heart. All e fear, frustration, helplessness and bitterness it juz came out. I dunno why but it juz wouldnt stop and i cried harder and harder. I hated tis type of me. The helpless me. I wna let my parents see me wif gd results wif happy face but each time i only make them feel sadder and sadder.

Today during sch, i was again laughing at my own result cuz i dowan them to noe that i feel ashamed of my results and look at me in a diff ways. I have pride too! But each time i make fun of my own result i juz got worse and worse. To a point tad i want to run away from there. I dont wna listen to anything science at all. This could oso be why i was so irritated in bio class. Im sorry to any of them if my irritation caused them to be distracted in some way.

Slack,Slack.Slack

2009-06-16T10:49:00.000+08:00

Tdy wake up and find myself aching all over and i gt a serious sun burnt. But then it is opportunity cost as i get a tanner skin. 2 weeks break dunno wad to do. Need to revise for common test but i dowan to revise. Cuz all e modules like so boring and e most boring is microbio. Dunno why need to noe all abt bacterias. It nt like i gna use it anyway. Cuz i dont like bio and i noe bio dont like me. But then life is always full of unpredictability, so maybe i may slowly like it. But pls dont get ur hope high. Trying to while away my time but dunno wad to do. Tired of anything and everything. But one thing i wont be tired abt is culinary art. It is such a nice thing to be able to cook and i want to be e best at it. Who is Gordon Ramsay when you have Ashley Tan. Haha. Look forward to e day i cn finally cook up a storm in e culinary world.

First real blog

2009-06-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

Juz gt home after gg to my grandma's hse. Feeling tired but dowan to slp so early. Cuz i was swimming for 2 hrs before gg to visit my grandma. Fillial rite! Haha. Tmr gt an outing wif my poly classmates. Gna be fun and i promise i wont be emo de. But then dont say i too hyper and talkative. Cnt wait for tmr but hope it wont burn a large hole in my pocket.

Ytd, i transformed into Chef Ashley. Baking batches and batches of cookies wif one of my poly classmate. It was so FUN! Gt e pulsating feeling and sense of satisfaction tad i nvr felt before. It make me believe tad i shld take e chef route. Wna see ppl smile when they eat e food i cook. Nvr felt so strongly as before.

GG to bring my camera to take lotsa fotos. So everyone be a camwhore tmr!

My first post for my new blog so pls comment on how i shld improve.

Thanks!

Ciao!